#fear

today on my way to work...moe [stepdad] tried to get my mama to drive on the interstate ..and she was so afraid. i began to think of how she never drives on the interstate nor on jefferson street bridge. when i was little she told me she saw someone jump off the jeffbridge&&that triggerd her fear.

i am very afraid of heights and escalators...they are related fears. my fear of heights keeps me from wanting to see myself "escalate" higher and higher.

i have been thinking about how ppl let fears control them and their lives.
one is never in full control of themselves if they have fears that pick apart things they will never do in life.

i really want to overcome my fear. but i knw it will be a while.. i really want to though
i do think that it is taking over my life.
like ppl with OCD. lol. well not funny.

day 3. letter to my parents.

mother: vickie elaine stevenson-sparks aka mama
father: sean anthony city aka daddy
step-father: maurise alphonso sparks aka moe

p a r e n t s

1. man and woman that had sex to produce you

2. man&woman that raise you&provide for you

3. two people you cannot stand but have

to deal with, &love without completely knowing why.

dear mama,

    you do so many things that do not completely understand, but i do love you. we never really get to have heart to heart talks because you always have something more important to occupy your time than me. i know that you do love me. juhst wish we did more mother daughter things. i know you will miss me when i leave for college&im going to miss you so much also. Moe says you are the only bestfriend i need or the only one i have something like that, because you do things for me that no one else will . i know our relationship will grow more and more as i mature and as you let me and know that i am maturing. you have been there for me and my brothers for so long without anyone else, and did everything on your own for so long, i am so proud to have you as a mom. ilysomuch. :)

dear daddy [funny how the little girl in me still calls you daddy, although the only part of the parent

definition you fit under is having sex with mama],

     actually in your letter i am not going to completely bash you, because for about 9 years of my life, you were there for me. &you and mama cared about my wellbeing enough not to really let me in on the disfunctional-ness of yuur relationship. i always loved being with you and hanging out. i loved going to detroit to visit your side of the family [that my mama absolutely hated]. but you pretty much disappeared i mean like at least two years after you left you sent us things, called, and came to visit. but then after that you completed left. YOU JUST SENT YOUR FIRST CHILDSUPPORT PAYMENT THIS WEEK. pathetic. my mother really doesnt worry about it like she should because she says its in god's hands and he provides for us. not you. i really dnt understand that about you. like somewhere in your head and/or heart you should think hey i have children that need clothes, food, and shelter. what if my mother wasnt doing well? and we couldnt rely on her? what then. you dnt care couldnt be caring. ...jerk. i really dnt care tho. some ppl with deadbeat dads spend their lives crying and worrying about it. i dnt have the time. dont call us, when we're rich b****. lmao.

moe [i never call you pop, stepdad, or anything like that, juhst weird i guess],

   you are cool, for like 80% of the time, but there is a 20% when your controlling, overprotective, and juhst plain crazy. i will never understand that 20% but its cool .glad to have you around and thanks for all the help you have given us. my mother really loves you, and i am amazed you have dealth with us for these 4 years.